she-sins journal

I'm desperate to be thin again, but diets don't work for me. If I can't have something I want it even more, I heard of a new diet that seems ideal for me and i'm gonna try it along with doing lots of exercise! ..Its worth a try!

- If i'm hungry, eat. Make sure I am properly hungry.. when it first feel pekish, try just having some water and see if it goes away, if it doesn't I should eat something and never get to that faint feeling hunger state.

- Eat what I want. I can eat the stuff I want still, 'cos if I tried not too i'd crave it more and more and binge later on it anyway. I still understand that I can't have really fattening foods every night so its not like im gonna pig out 'cos i'm saying I can eat what I want, this will make more sense after the next little rule...

- Eat consciously. Eat really, really slow and concentrate entirely on each bite. This will help me to know when I am full so I can stop eating. This works doubly well for me because I like my food really fresh and hot so taking my time will make it go cold and put me off!

- When I'm full, stop eating. Eating consciously will help me know when I am full and if I stop when i'm full I wont over eat! So I waste a bit, it can either go in the bin or on my butt!

Doing these things for the diet aspect of losing weight will really help but I know I must do alot more exercise too if I wanna get my size 10 body back and have a flat tummy I can show off my tattoos on again! :)

After being put into a few usually awkward situations where I have to interact with people, I have come to notice a cycle to my shyness and can evaluate how I behave in differernt situations...

On the meeting of someone new (that I wont have to speak to again, i.e. strangers) I am confidant and can talk fine.

On the first meeting of someone that I will have to talk to again and get along with, I am also quite confidant and can talk ok (probally because it is time to make polite converstation which is generally quite easy.) e.g. Joe at uni, I could talk generally about uni and the assignment (common ground) and thought i'd get on with him fine for the whole time I have to speak to him.

On the second meeting of someone that I will have to talk to lots, I can continue to interact with the polite common ground conversations...
Depending on the common ground subjects, this may continue for a few more meetings.

After the common ground polite topic conversations have been worn out, my shyness starts to come back, strongly. I worry about not having anything to say and can only answer questions with silly one word replies (because I am scared of saying something that makes the person think something bad about me.)

It takes a long while to start to feel confidant talking to this person again, perhaps until I find another topic to talk about. e.g. I found I was really scared to talk to Joe for a while, then we started to talk about cats and I opened up again!
I may also start to feel re-confidant with people if I simply get used to them, how they behave and how to say things that will please them and example of this is with Alex's parents.

So overall, if I were to draw a diagram to represent my shyness cycle, with someone I have to interact with alot;
I would start confidant, quickly decline into shyness and gradually become more confidant again. There will be peeks and drops every once in a while again too.

When I think about the people I quickly take to and now get on with really well (being not completely, but a bit more my normal self around) I have noticed it is people with a different ethnic background, either people who do not speak English as their first language or who are not caucasian, this is probally because I think they may just think they don't understand me properly because I am English. I say not understanding me, because I think that I can't speak normally, I am wierd so English people don't really understand me - again, why I am more shy of English people. Without having a prejudice bone in my body, non-caucasian English people seem to make me feel a bit more confidant, because of the reasons I gave for non-english people before.

I often wonder what's the point. Whats the point in anything. Whats the point in owning a life, and what's the point continuing to live through one.
Ironically, just like life, this writing will not have a happy ending either.
I do not see the point. I'm certain I will never see the point. The few who care keep me here. I care in return, the reason I do not forfil my eternal craving. I live against my will, in a way. I stay for those who care. 

I find it hard thinking that all my life will amount to is working weekly 9-5, spending my weekends buying material items, having a holiday once a year, being monogamous and inevitably dying after going through the deaths of everyone you grow up caring about. (My view on afterlife is that there isn't one, once your gone, your gone!) Alot of people have this same issue about the rat race etc and I believe it is why alot of people are religious (i'm very atheist) - I mean they have something to look forward to, 'heaven'. How do atheists that care that there is no point in life keep going? I struggle to stay here knowing that I will never be truely happy. Even people who claim they have amazing lives are unrealistic - no-one will ever have a perfect life, true happiness is impossible to achieve, no matter what you think. To put it simply - even if you're rich and have all the material items you want, have found the love of your life and can have anyone else you could possibly want, you wont be happy, you'll always want more. And afterall you know there is no point to it and you're gonna die and disappear one day.

The only thing that keeps me going is the people that want me to stay. If all my family, friends and Alex were to go, I would automatically go too. I want to go, I really, really do, but am staying for them. (Please don't think I want them to go so I can)
I would rather they lived here thinking they were happy then end my life because I understand that i'm not and result in upsetting them or ruining the happiness they think they have.
The ideal situation for me is that the world blows up and everyone goes! To justify my outrageous selfishness,  I realise some people do want to live in this world but believe they are deluded. I know there are others who are just as realistic as I, I take no credit for this outlook as I believe every single person on this earth knows what i'm being realistic enough to say deep down (most likely in their subconscious mind). I would like to state that a majority of peoples conscious minds have phantasmagoric beliefs about the world and life and if they were to understand what I am attempting to explain here (the truth that everyone knows it is deep down) they would also not want to live anymore.

Since I do not see the point in life, I don't see the point in creating one. Having a child would be a awful thing to do when I understand how terrible the world is and can't wait to escape it myself. I will not ever reproduce.

I've got to stop my emotional freakouts. It's not fair on Alex and it's so stupid get myself all het up about silly things.
When Alex does something to upset me, I get upset and calmly tell him... then I just black out and next thing I know a few hours have past, my eyes are swelled up huge from crying and my throat hurts from shouting. I'm so certain at the time that i'm truely so deeply upset about it, but the next day I realised how much I blew it out of proportion. I'm sure I can't help it, i'm sure its my hormones, I witness other people doing just the same thing and see that they are just being silly and its theyre hormones, yet when it's happening to me, I cant stop. I need to stop it, I need to stop it now.

I thought what I wanted was to be in Cheltenham with my Alex, I thought even though he would be working and i'd be spending days alone it would be better than living in Bristol surrounded by people that don't care about me anymore and not being able to sleep. I was wrong, it was like a week in hell, I was severly depressed. One problem is that, the longer I stay away from people the more I think they hate me and don't care about me anymore, I need to witness them being nice and showing they care more often, I need to see them more often. Another problem is that no matter how hard I try, I just can't live with Alex being at work and leaving alone for perdios of time. Its so stupid, I understand how much his job means to him, but I just get so jealous and resent him for working! I do know that it is me being a phycho, but think that he should be a bit more sensitive and nicer to me about it, make me feel like I don't come second to his job (even though we both know I do)

When i'm in Cheltenham, I think everyone in Bristol is just against me, hates me and I don't want to go back, but the longer I leave it, the worse I get this feeling and it isn't even true. I havn't had a huge amount of evidance that my family and friends love me and want me to be alive, but i've had some reassurance that they care a bit.

My weekend has been alot better than I expected. I spent some fun time with Sharon and a few other friends on saturday eveing, and the whole day with Sharon on sunday. I feel like I am really shy of her for some reason, I find it hard to act myself around her now, I guess I feel scared that I might offend her again like I did when I was last drunk in front of her. I wish she knew how she has made me feel. I actually felt more confidant talking to Alli and even Vanessa who I bumped into sunday morning! I really hope things can improve with Sharon.

Alex is coming to stay in Bristol with me for a couple of weeks, I am really hoping this will work better than when we were in Cheltenham next week. I'm going to have to carry on as if I am in Bristol on my own, I will not be bored and waiting around all day for him to come home. If I wanna go out but hes due back from work, or actually home from work, then i'm just gonna have to go out - i'll invite him out with me, but doubt he'd be interested in coming anyway. I hope we can have some nice times out together too!

So I suppose things are looking up a bit, I don't think it could possibily ever be as bad as last week was, as long as I remember to never put myself in that position again. I just cannot wait to have my own working life and although I always aspired to not having to work and live at home while my partner worked (and made us rich so I didn't have to do housework) I now think I am too clever to do that, I will have my own career and hopefully make my own life a success.

Paranoia is a disturbed thought process characterized by excessive anxiety or fear, often to the point of irrationality and delusion. Paranoid thinking typically includes persecutory beliefs concerning a perceived threat.

I have a very strong unliking of relationships. I've had alot of bad experiances with them, thats why I told myself I would be single forever. I have been with Alex for over 18 months now and have analysed every single possible aspect of the relationship, theres still things I don't like about it, but he knows about it and we have both made loads of improvements.
The main problem is my hormones - completely uncontrollable at times! Once a month I seem to go insane and cannot contain any thoughts or feelings I have had over the month and scream and cry at Alex until my hormones settle down a bit then apologize. I don't know how much of what I say when i'm like this is real feelings and how much I exaggerate. I feel so terrible for some of the outrageously nasty things I say to him, but I really can't help.
  
Last week the one thing I couldn't cope with in the relationship was the feeling that Alex didn't love me as much as I loved him and that I felt I came second to his job. I still know now that this is a real concern and I can live with it for 3 weeks a month but it bothers me the other 1. It always just takes one silly little thing to set me off and last week it was him hanging up on me abruptly to go on the phone with his friend who he is working with. When this happened and I was ignored for an hour and a half while he was on the phone, all my worrys about how I don't mean as much to him as his job does started spiralling around in my head and I worked myself up  more and more. Once I got to speak to him it was late and I said some disgusting things in the heat of it all. Some of Alex's reactions and things he said made everything worse too!  When I woke up the morning after I was filled with the guilt of saying nasty things. But in a way was glad we had broken up because I wanted to see if he missed me and wanted me back. I ruined a suprise which would have been amazing and this really hurt, but it still plays on my mind that he could have been lying about it to get himself out of trouble. I do trust him, I do believe him, but the thought is still there. Alex came to see me the evening after and took me out for a meal, it was simply amazing, we went to the cinema after too and got on fantastically, I felt so happy and in love and it didn't seem fake like it had for so long before. He had to leave early the morning after and I really missed him, just wanted the happy times to continue because they had been so rare in the last year!!
 
I went away friday and saturday and could not contact Alex because of no signal, any possible chance I had, I did contact him, but it was nowhere near often enough. I couldn't stop thinking about him and how much I wanted to be with him. His texts came in everytime I turned on my phone and they made me smile so much. I couldn't believe I was finally in a happy relationship. I missed Alex so, so much and did not stop thinking about him for one second!

I felt bad that I couldn't contact Alex while I was away so rang him a few times when I got back yesterday. Everything was still lovely and I went to sleep last night with wonderful thoughts of him...
...Unfortunatly I woke up to vile ones.

I have had alot of dreams where I witness Alex cheating on me and when I confront him he does'nt care and carries on. This morning my dream was set at a uni, we were both on a kind of induction day and Alex had to go to little meetings with people from his course and I had to go with people from mine. I spent the day trying to make new friends and telling them all about how wonderful my relationship with Alex is. I had one guy coming onto me and I was rejecting him and telling him how I was committed to Alex and more in love with him then you could imagine.  Near the end of the induction day, I went to find Alex and was a bit upset that he hadn't come and seen me all day and that he wasn't around at lunch. I got to the classroom where he was to find a girl (I somehow knew was his ex girlfriend) leaning on him and whispering in his ear. When he saw me, he just gave me a dirty look. I ran away upset and sat on some stairs with a window over looking the floor he was on. He walked out the classroom and put his hands in the air like he had achieved a victory! His 'friend' came and got me and said I could sort it out and that is wasn't what it looked like. I went downstairs to Alex and he started shouting at me saying 'why were you taking pictures of me and Emma?' I promised I wasn't and his friend backed me up. I told him to listen so I could explain my day and how I had done nothing but tell everyone how much I loved him and how much we were commited to each other but he didn't listen. When I said 'are you going back to your ex then?' he said yes, I asked why he liked her more than me and he said 'because she dressed high fashion, she wears fishnet tights and sexy boots that are really hot'. (This really gets to my paranoia that he doesn't ever find me attractive)

   This is when I woke up. It was really early and I didn't want to go back to sleep incase the dream continued. I felt sick, it really got to me. I've had so many dreams like this and i'm sure I am paranoid (Defined as a  subtype of schizophrenia that is the combination of false beliefs (delusions) and hearing voices (or seeing it in dreams)). When I thought about it this afternoon I realised something. How Alex treats me in these dreams is exactly how i've been treated by people in previous relationships. They think the world of me then suddenly don't give a shit about me and treat me like I have no feelings and even when I cry and beg them to stop and be nice they laugh in my face. I think i'm finding it hard to believe that Alex could actually be an amazing boyfriend and will always treat me right. I have this really intence paranoia that he will do the same as the others; suddenly stop appriciating me, stop fancying me, stop caring about how I feel and go cheat on me with a woman or man that he finds more attractive than me. I know he has already stopped fancying me. I thought all the others were true to, but he has started to convince me he does care and still appriciate me. He says he does still find me attractive, but I cannot believe it no matter what, I feel so ugly all of the time - but thats another story! I think Alex is working on letting me know he does still fancy me, but I have strong doubts that he can because I am already so sure he doesnt.

I don't normally get paranoid and worry about something that isnt right, I get an instinct that always ends up right. With my first relationship I became 'paranoid' that he didn't miss me when we were apart. I only confronted him about this on  that certain time of the month (even though I worried about it all the time just like I do with Alex now). In the end, I was right and he didn't miss me when we were apart, he finally admitted it. Our relationship ended complelty when I purposely made out with his friend (when we were on a 'break')  - I know how psycho this was and I am really NOT like this now, and he wasn't jealous at all (meaning he didn't care and didn't fancy me) then when I tried to tell him I wanted him back he treated it like a joke and basically said I was a stupid bitch for being upset all the time (or once a month).

I had so many paranoias in my next relationship including that he would cheat on me and that he was secretly gay. And guess what? He cheated on me with a guy - infront of me (like my dreams) and did not give a fuck that it upset me (also like my dreams) - laughed in my face and when I tried to talk to him about it, I got physically abused.

This wasn't the first time I had been cheated on, so it is one of my biggest fears. I think one of the worse pains in the world is having someone you love and care about so much go to another person for love. Since sex is pretty rare and I feel Alex doesn't find me attractive, I feel him cheating on me is nearly inevitable. If Alex cheated on me, my life would literally end.

I feel like these past experiances are haunting me so much that I can't believe that Alex is actually just a good guy and will always treat me perfectly. I feel like  I will always have these paranoias and stupid worries stopping me from accepting that Alex isn't going to do what the people in past relationships did to me. But like I said, I don't get paranoid, my instict is always right and if I had listened to it before I wouldn't have ended up so hurt (mentally and phycally) in the past.
   I am a stronger person now then I was then, but there is something keeping me with Alex depite all these paranoias / bad feelings. I don't know what it is. Perhaps its just that I know deep down that he is the most amazing person I will ever meet and the perfect partner for life and that my past experiances are giving me doubts and I am actually paranoid (having false believes that Alex is going to do bad things to me) rather than having an instinct that is ultimately right and I regret not acting on.  Or it could be that i'm not as strong as I like to think and just can't bring myself to break up with Alex even though my instinct is telling me to.

Being in a relationship is like the ultimate risk to me. I need to analyse it constantly so I know i'm not making a mistake and will not end up hurt. I don't want either me or Alex to ruin our lifes by sharing them with someone thats not right for them or will end up huring them.

I'm sill not decided on wether to continue taking that risk, there is times i'm glad I am and am convinced it will be a good choice to be with Alex and other times that I think it may not be a good idea to take the risk. I hope Alex is working on convincing me that I am, I know I am working on convincing him constantly and think its an important part of a relationship. I want to be able to fall even further and let my guard down even more than I already have which will mean I do not have these worrys and paranoias but without some jealously and thinking that it may not last, won't it be boring? Won't it feel not worth working for anymore? I think so, I think my worrys are annoying to live through once a month but are healthy the rest of the time. I know if Alex isn't jealous that someone could come and steal me, I wouldn't feel wanted. To make our relationship successful, I think he needs to tell me when he's jelaous and even more so if he thinks I look attractive ever. When I feel wanted and that he still fancies me, I will be happy and will be closer to living in the perfect kind of relationship I crave so very much.

I was dreading this weekend. I don't even like seeing my own family nevermind Alexs! They are al really lovely and I could get on with the well i'm sure - IF I WASN'T TO TERRIFIED TO TALK! I'm fucking fed up with being shy. Why can't I just be myself and speak to people, I have some friends in the world so can't be the complete and utter twat I think I am. I've just always been put down, always recieved dirty looks when I say something I think is completely normal, consequentially locking my lips everytime I am around anyone I don't know as well as my friends immediate family. Oh, I can talk to strangers such as shop keepers or if someone asked me something randomly on the street, i'm not particuarly shy then. I think i'm just petrified of saying something stupid infront of someone I am supposed to get on with (like Alexs family and my extended family) or that I wont be liked. Is that my problem? That I care what people think too much, I don't when it comes to strangers, but it shouldn't be so bad  that I do when it comes to the aformentioned people!

I'm sure with my own family (extended anyway) its beacause they actually all do think im shit compared to my sister who they bum because shes good at sport. Being good at art and getting good grades all my life is nothing compared to being a cross country runner to them! In my opinion were equally talented but who gets all the praise an encouragement? Her.  Is she confidant and chats fine with all my family? Yes.  - Case Closed.

When I was in secondary school I thought i'd become more confidant once i'm in sixth form and when I was in sixth form thought i'd be able to lose the shyness once and for all when I was at uni, now I thinking it must be when I get into a job - but i'm not holding my breath because it hasn't happened so far! 

My shyness has pretty much ruined my life, people always think i'm snobby beacuse I don't talk to them , but in reality I couldn't be any further from being a snob.  Maybe one day  I will  feel allowed to break out of my box and have a voice.  Probally until I fuck up and everyone hates me even more so that I have no-one to talk to anyway!

I can't believe I can never get drunk in front of her again, she is the person that understands me better than anyone in the world. Why would she get so upset by a stupid thing I said when I was drunk. It's been happening a while now I guess, after a night out she'd always just tell me what stupid things I did and how I should be so ashamed of myself. Everyone just laughs about it. Why does she do this? Why does she no longer understand me? After everything we've been through its such a shame, but I can't bring myself to see her right now. I just can't believe how she reacted.

I stopped getting drunk because I hate waking up not remembering what I have done or regretting what I can remember, friday was the first time i'd been drunk in ages and she just throws it all back in my face. I'm still gonna drink when I want to but now I know that I can never be drunk in front of her again.